Thursday, March 27, 2014

Noah Man

Noah Man

(I want to preface this review by saying that if you are wanting to go see an uplifting classical version of the Biblical "Noah and the Ark" story, don't waste your money.  You will just end up with a hate for both Noah and the Creator.  But if you are just wanting to watch something that appears to be Marvel Comic's latest popcorn movie, this may be for you.)

Spoiler Alert

Marvel Comics has brought us Spider Man, Ant-Man, X-Men, Iron Man and now their latest super hero: Noah Man.

Noah Man is the ancient hero that would save the world by removing the biggest threat of all: mankind.  This film has everything, including super natural rock monster warriors, breath taking scenery, medieval knights, Eco terrorism, women's rights, attempted infantile murder, fire and water special effects, incestuous procreation and creepy animals of all kinds.  If you are wanting to watch Russell Crowe as a mad man like you have never seen him before, your biblical stories thrown out the window, watch Emma Watson basically carry the show, and end up rooting for the bad guys, then this is the movie for you!

Noah Man receives a dream that the world will be destroyed by water and to build an Ark.  To decipher this dream they travel to see Noah Man's grandfather Methuselah.

Marvel has brought in Thor's father (Anthony Hopkins) to be Noah's grandfather Methuselah.

Thor's Father Odin
Noah's grandfather Methuselah
Noah's grandfather even comes with super human powers and a flaming sword!

Methuselah's flaming sword
Methuselah was once an awesome warrior who protected these supernatural rock monster's called the "Watchers"  (yet another thing that looks like it came straight out of a Marvel movies).  Now he has been reduced to a senile old man craving berries from the forest.

It is determined that Noah Man's dream means for him to build a boat (ark) and save all the innocent animals of the Earth, while all mankind (including Noah Man's family) are to be exterminated.  So they sprout a magical forest and get to work on chopping down the trees.  (an action that seems very contradictory to Noah Man's tree hugging eco agenda, wouldn't you say?)

The supernatural rock monster warriors called "Watchers" (aka Nephilim), are fallen angels that came to help Adam, were punished by the Creator for doing so, end up helping Noah build the Ark and then defending Noah's Ark from the onslaught of hungry and starving men.  (interesting to note that there is no mention of these out of place supernatural rock creatures in any of the movie trailers, gee I wonder why?)

Watchers in their pre-fallen angel like state
Watches in their rock like form
The "Watchers" have a special power that when they die they explode.  In one heart warming scene, Noah's pet rock monster scarifies himself, by committing a suicidal self bombing (literally tearing himself open).  This needless self sacrifice clearly turns the tide of battle, as this inexplicably triggers the flood tide waters to fully commence.  (he he he, catch the double meaning?)

Watches suicidal bombing
And we of course can't forget Hermione Granger (Emma Watson)... I mean... oh, I can't even remember her character's name.  But needless to say Hermoine saves the day again. (update: she plays Ila)

Hermoine plays... someone
Hermoine plays the damsel in distress, who is barren and can't have children.  (which makes her less then a second class citizen, as it is repeatedly stated in one scene, that only "real women", who can have babies, are worth anything)  Hermoine then spends a good portion of the movie hiding from Noah, who is determined to kill (I kid you not!) her unborn baby(s).  (Wait what?  She's pregnant?  Didn't I just say she was barren?  Wait what?  Noah is a psychopathic killer?  Good old Thor's father Odin had thrown a curve ball, and had given Hermoine some magical pixie dust to make her go into heat in the next scene, just to throw you a curve ball to keep you from getting bored.  And she of course ends up pregnant.)

It turns out that Hermoine being able to procreate directly conflicts with Noah's eco agenda of mankind's extermination.  This causes the "good" Noah to go on a psychopathic homicidal attempted infantile hunting spree, as they bounce around on the water, long enough for her to come to full term.

Noah's Ark
In the end everything works out like a Disney movie, and everyone lives happily ever after (well besides the million/billion who died a few scenes earlier).  Through Hermoine's over the top acting and tears, Noah Man has a change of heart.  Noah Man is a complete failure and is unable to complete his Eco agenda of stopping the diseased spread of man kind.  As self punishment for his failures he gets completely wasted on muddy looking alcoholic drinks and ends up naked on the beach.  Another happy Marvel Movie ending.

* Note: all images were borrowed from Google Images

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